...I want to encourage you - keep seeking the Lord. Keep reading your Bible - even the difficult parts that you don't understand, because later on someone might come along that can explain a difficult part to you and you will know the story they are explaining. I've been a Christian for 21 years. I grew up in a Christian home with a Christian family and I've gone to church since I was a baby, and I still don't know everything. You can't know everything about God, or understand everything. (Someone once said somewhere (I can't remember who or where) that (paraphrasing) 'if you gathered together all the people who have known and experienced the hand of God in their lives (all people in some way, shape or form), from the beginning of time until now, from all over the world, and compiled all of their experiences and revelations into this God who created us, we still could not know all there is to know about our God.') In Isaiah 40:12-14, 18-23, 25-26. 28 it says (you might want to read it in Japanese because the English is more difficult - kind of like poetry):
"Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? Who has understood the mind of the Lord, or instructed him as his counselor? Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was is that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding?"
"To whom, then, will you compare God? What image will you compare him to? As for an idol, a craftsman casts it, and a goldsmith overlays it with gold and fashions silver chains for it. A man too poor to present such an offering selects wood that will not rot. He looks for a skilled craftsman to set up an idol that will not topple. Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens and spreads them out like a tent to live in. He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of the world to nothing."
" 'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?' says the Holy One. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing."
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom....."
I guess all that to say, I know you may be frustrated by parts of the Bible like the Old Testament, that don't seem to match up with the life of Jesus and the words that Jesus spoke, but that is God's Word also. And the New Testament fulfills all of God's promises made in the Old Testament (2 Corinthians 1:20 "For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through this the "Amen" ("So be it"... or May the Lord's will be done in this... or truly, assuredly, something spoken in faith without doubt.) is spoken by us to the glory of God"). 2 Timothy 3:16 says: "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness." And it's a part of the story that WE are apart of. We may not, and often times, don't understand the ways of God - because they aren't our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9 " 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.' "). Simply put, He is God and we are not. There is mystery in God because he is greater than us. But not just his power and his understanding are greater, his love and mercy and grace are greater, too. And THAT is why he sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to us. Because God's love is greater than our sin. His faithfulness is greater than our unfaithfulness (like so many stories in the Old Testament). His infinite understanding of the story of life from beginning to end is greater than our limited understanding of historical events and possible future ones. And he understands the meaning in the histories of events unravelled and the meaning in the future before it ever happens.
I believe you when you say you believe in Jesus. But Jesus doesn't offer himself in pieces for us to choose what we like and don't like about what he says and does. He offers all of himself - all of his words and all of his actions as a whole, not in parts. When he says to love others as you love yourself, you may understand that and desire to do it because it is love. But just as much, when he says he is God's Son... those Words have just as much value and truth as "love others" - in fact, they give Jesus the authority to say and do all that he did, because he IS God's Son. Jesus is God, and God of the whole Bible, not just part. God, the Father, gave us his Son Jesus Christ so that we could have a relationship with God - because our God is a God of relationships. The Bible is full of them - and not just the New Testament. The Old Testament does have many stories of war and fighting and sin and punishment and God's anger, but it is also full of God's astounding and faithful and burning love for his people. If you have a child and you tell your child something very important to do or not do, and your child disobeys you, you become angry because your child put his or herself in danger. And for your child to learn that lesson, you have to punish them in some form or another. The Israelites of the Old Testament were God's chosen people, his children. When they obeyed him, he blessed them abundantly. But when they disobeyed him - doing things like worshipping false gods and sacrificing their child on altars and committing adultery - it was necessary for God to punish them as a nation because of their disobedience. It was the only way for them to learn that what they were doing was wrong and sinful. And when they realized what they were doing was sinful, they would turn back to God and he would bless them again. But in the end, as was his plan, God sent Jesus Christ because he knew his people, and those who came to know him through his people, could never match up. All of the sacrifices and ceremonies and rules offered to God and required by God could never bridge the gap between the sinfulness of humankind and the holiness and glory of God. God's love bridged that gap, in the form of his Son. And so instead of a distant God of sacrifices and ceremonies and regulations, we can now KNOW God through being in a relationship with his Son, Jesus Christ. Speaking from my experiences in my relationship with the Lord, the power of God is found in his grace, his love, his forgiveness, his mercy, and his humbleness (and so much more that I have niether room nor time to express).
I know that you are full of questions, and I am glad of that. I believe Christ is working in your heart in an amazing way. And I know what I've said may be disagreeable to you. I've said it strongly, and I'm sorry if it has offended you. But I hope, rather, that it has encouraged you to keep asking questions and knowing the Lord more.
I hope to hear from you again, soon. Keep seeking, and know that I'm praying for you in everything.
love,
Rachel
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