it is finished...
now, moving onto future developments... right now at this very moment i am working on my application to teach english in japan for next year. exciting thought!! asking good and probing questions that i haven't thought about for a long time...
revelation: i love my mom's Christmas cookies!
12.19.2004
12.03.2004
11.29.2004
A Prayer to the God of Ebb and Flow
Dear Lord, today I thought of the words of Vincent van Gogh: "It is true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea." You are the sea. Although I experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts and changes in my inner life, you remain the same. Your sameness is not the sameness of a rock, but the sameness of a faithful lover. Out of your love I came to life; by your love I am sustained; and to your love I am always called back. There are days of sadness and days of joy; there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude; there are moments of failure and moments of success; but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love.
My only real temptation is to doubt in your love, to think of myself as beyond reach of your love, to remove myself from the healing radiance of your love. To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.
O Lord, sea of love and goodness, let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life, and let me know that there is ebb and flow but that the sea remains the sea. Amen.
- Henri Nouwen, A Cry for Mercy
My only real temptation is to doubt in your love, to think of myself as beyond reach of your love, to remove myself from the healing radiance of your love. To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.
O Lord, sea of love and goodness, let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life, and let me know that there is ebb and flow but that the sea remains the sea. Amen.
- Henri Nouwen, A Cry for Mercy
grins Looks like someone finally found a direction for my life... Thanks Dan! ;) http://waybread.blogspot.com/ Check out "Rachel" under 11/28/04
11.19.2004
the birds and i...
Genesee Abbey, June 13, 1974
"This morning Father John explained to me that the killdeer is a bird that fools you by simulating injury to pull your attention away from her eggs which she lays openly on a sandy place. Beautiful! Neurosis as weapon! How often I have asked pity for a very unreal problem in order to pull people's attention away from what I didn't want them to see." Henri Nouwen
"This morning Father John explained to me that the killdeer is a bird that fools you by simulating injury to pull your attention away from her eggs which she lays openly on a sandy place. Beautiful! Neurosis as weapon! How often I have asked pity for a very unreal problem in order to pull people's attention away from what I didn't want them to see." Henri Nouwen
11.17.2004
"If there is a need for a new morality it is the morality which teaches us the fellowship of the weak as a human possibility. Love, then, is not a clinging to each other in the fear of an oncoming disaster but an encounter in a freedom that allows for the creation of new life. This love cannot be proved. We can only be invited to it and find it to be true by an engaging response. As long as we experience the Christian life as a life which puts restrictions on our freedom of expression, we have perverted and inverted its essence." - Henri Nouwen, Intimacy
I am so burnt out. I kept telling myself - just get through October and you'll be good to go. Now I'm telling myself - just get through November and December and then you'll get the rest, restoration, and rejuvination that you need. Really though, I can barely get through each day. I'm brain dead. Burnt out kabisa. I was writing my paper, and a friend shot me some encouraging words - "Write it well!" I honestly don't know if I can. I feel like right now I just don't have it in me. The effort appears to be a looming, craggy, perilous mountain, and anytime I attempt to summit I landslide back down. I've never been so mentally frazzled or frustrated before and I'm not really sure how to handle it.
11.16.2004
cows
grins Thank Katrina and her political cynicism. ;)
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sellone to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from yourgovernment.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you forthe milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
Youforce the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised whenone cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow andproduce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellentquality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can'tfigure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-statetell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes tohelp "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Schwarzenegger signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sellone to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from yourgovernment.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you forthe milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
Youforce the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised whenone cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow andproduce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellentquality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can'tfigure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-statetell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes tohelp "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Schwarzenegger signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
11.14.2004
arguments by Chinese economists...
Xue Muqiao, perhaps China's leading economist, in the introduction to his 1981 book, recognized the danger of ideological dogmatism in the determination of economic policy. He argued:
Socialism is a new system. In studying the laws of motion of the Socialist economy, we must always base our work on actual conditions... Marx and Lenin showed us the laws governing the transition from capitalism to communism through socialism... However, the classics they authored are insufficient for a study of the socialist economy because socialism never actually existed in their lifetime... We must never take what is said by Marx, Engels, and Lenin in their works as dogma or as a panacea.
This view was also reflected in a 1981 article by two prominent economists, Tian Jianghai and Zhang Shuguang. They argued as follows:
The problems regarding balance and regulation, economic structure and setup, however, happened not only in China, but in other socialist countries as well. What then is the reason? We hold that, from an epistemological point of view, it is because people had a dogmatic understanding of Marxist views on socialism for a long period of time, which has resulted in negating the existence of a commodity economy within the socialist economy; writing off the relative independence and right of socialist enterprises to manage their own affairs, taking the model of a highly centralized planning economy practised in the Soviet Union under Stalin as the sole socialist economic model, taking plans as the only means of organizing and regulating the development of socialist economy, trying to depend on one planning center to organize the production of hundreds of thousands of different products and direct the economic activities of the entire society, and negating the regulating role of the market mechanism in the socialist economy.
The views of these economists received official approval in an authoritative article in the Communist Party's theoretical journal, Red Flag on 1st October 1984 and in editorials in the Peoples' Daily on 7 and 8 December 1984. The front-page commentary in Peoples' Daily stated:
There are many things that Marx, Engel and Lenin never experienced or had any contact with, and we cannot depend on the works of Marx and Lenin to solve all our modern day questions.
from Organizations and Growth in Rural China by Marsh Marshall
Socialism is a new system. In studying the laws of motion of the Socialist economy, we must always base our work on actual conditions... Marx and Lenin showed us the laws governing the transition from capitalism to communism through socialism... However, the classics they authored are insufficient for a study of the socialist economy because socialism never actually existed in their lifetime... We must never take what is said by Marx, Engels, and Lenin in their works as dogma or as a panacea.
This view was also reflected in a 1981 article by two prominent economists, Tian Jianghai and Zhang Shuguang. They argued as follows:
The problems regarding balance and regulation, economic structure and setup, however, happened not only in China, but in other socialist countries as well. What then is the reason? We hold that, from an epistemological point of view, it is because people had a dogmatic understanding of Marxist views on socialism for a long period of time, which has resulted in negating the existence of a commodity economy within the socialist economy; writing off the relative independence and right of socialist enterprises to manage their own affairs, taking the model of a highly centralized planning economy practised in the Soviet Union under Stalin as the sole socialist economic model, taking plans as the only means of organizing and regulating the development of socialist economy, trying to depend on one planning center to organize the production of hundreds of thousands of different products and direct the economic activities of the entire society, and negating the regulating role of the market mechanism in the socialist economy.
The views of these economists received official approval in an authoritative article in the Communist Party's theoretical journal, Red Flag on 1st October 1984 and in editorials in the Peoples' Daily on 7 and 8 December 1984. The front-page commentary in Peoples' Daily stated:
There are many things that Marx, Engel and Lenin never experienced or had any contact with, and we cannot depend on the works of Marx and Lenin to solve all our modern day questions.
from Organizations and Growth in Rural China by Marsh Marshall
11.13.2004
faith
"There are places to go that cannot be seen, and the scope of our vision is too small for our strides. Faith is not a denial of facts - it is a broadening of focus. It does not deny the hardness of guitar strings; it plucks them into a sweetness of sound." - Rich Mullins
wow... train of thought goes off the tracks yet again... haha!
I am really excited about this new book I'm reading on rural development in China (Organizations and Growth in Rural China by Marsh Marshall - poor chap. Why did his parents do that?). The material is fascinating! One of the most engaging things about the book is the author's claim that democracy alone, nor socialism or communism alone can survive. A society needs both to progress in its development.
According to Marshall, in a society where gentry are lords over the majority of the land, peasants working it, a social revolution or land redistribution is needed before rural development can take place:
"Land redistribution should perhaps be seen as a necessary precondition for sustained rural development. Indeed, the persistence of rural poverty in many developing countries can be explained, in an important sense, by the political and social relationships which derive from a very unequal distribution of land."
"... A collective choice mechanism must operate in any economy in order to determine what is or is not in the social interest. It is further argued that such a mechanism must be democratic: 'under socialism... political democracy is an indispensable factor in the objectivity... of the process of decision-making; it is thus also an indispensable factor in economic rationality and in the full use of the development potential of society'. A similar view has been offered by Oscar Lange: 'socialist ownership of the means of production involves both the use of the means of production in the interests of society as a whole and effective democratic participation by production and other workers in the management of the means of production'."
The more I study these things, the more captivated I become with rural sustainable development in socialist/communist/post-communist countries. hmmm Food for thought! Perhaps I'm getting an inkling of direction... I think part of why I am so drawn towards sustainable development is the natural intertwining of people and environment. Both loves of mine. How to help people care for their environment... There is both an element of practicality and an element of romance - adventure - to it. Plus, I grew up on the land, connected to it. My mom and dad are dairy farmers... and whether or not they realize it, they cultivated in me a love, respect, and appreciation for the earth we live off of. They kind of think I go overboard with it... "environmentalist-type tree-hugger" label, but hey! they started it! grins I just took it a couple steps farther.
---------------------------------------
Well, I applied to the China [Houghton] TESOL Program... if I get accepted, I'll be teaching English in a variety of locations in rural China (I think the area over-looking Nepal) from June to August. If it works out, and the institution there will have me, I'll stay on as staff at the institution, teaching another 9 months (and not a bad salary either, after all, I'm a college student, and as much as I'd like to pretend that my debt doesn't exist, that's just ridiculous - I need to get paid enough so I can start hacking away at the debt). I have lots of ideas for what I could do after this time (if I'm even accepted) - I'll probably have a 4-5 month period before grad school... maybe I could hook up with some sort of sustainable development program...? help out? observe? get some experience? continue learning mandarin! grins And then grad school... most likely to study the countless afore mentioned 'sustainable development'. So, now that I have my life all planned out... ha!
I welcome God to come change my plans as he sees fit. After all, he knows me better than I know myself! I'd much rather be following his plans for me than my plans for me. I love that my Lord knows everything I know - or think I know - and everything I don't know, and everything I will never know. In all my insecurity, he is my security.
According to Marshall, in a society where gentry are lords over the majority of the land, peasants working it, a social revolution or land redistribution is needed before rural development can take place:
"Land redistribution should perhaps be seen as a necessary precondition for sustained rural development. Indeed, the persistence of rural poverty in many developing countries can be explained, in an important sense, by the political and social relationships which derive from a very unequal distribution of land."
"... A collective choice mechanism must operate in any economy in order to determine what is or is not in the social interest. It is further argued that such a mechanism must be democratic: 'under socialism... political democracy is an indispensable factor in the objectivity... of the process of decision-making; it is thus also an indispensable factor in economic rationality and in the full use of the development potential of society'. A similar view has been offered by Oscar Lange: 'socialist ownership of the means of production involves both the use of the means of production in the interests of society as a whole and effective democratic participation by production and other workers in the management of the means of production'."
The more I study these things, the more captivated I become with rural sustainable development in socialist/communist/post-communist countries. hmmm Food for thought! Perhaps I'm getting an inkling of direction... I think part of why I am so drawn towards sustainable development is the natural intertwining of people and environment. Both loves of mine. How to help people care for their environment... There is both an element of practicality and an element of romance - adventure - to it. Plus, I grew up on the land, connected to it. My mom and dad are dairy farmers... and whether or not they realize it, they cultivated in me a love, respect, and appreciation for the earth we live off of. They kind of think I go overboard with it... "environmentalist-type tree-hugger" label, but hey! they started it! grins I just took it a couple steps farther.
---------------------------------------
Well, I applied to the China [Houghton] TESOL Program... if I get accepted, I'll be teaching English in a variety of locations in rural China (I think the area over-looking Nepal) from June to August. If it works out, and the institution there will have me, I'll stay on as staff at the institution, teaching another 9 months (and not a bad salary either, after all, I'm a college student, and as much as I'd like to pretend that my debt doesn't exist, that's just ridiculous - I need to get paid enough so I can start hacking away at the debt). I have lots of ideas for what I could do after this time (if I'm even accepted) - I'll probably have a 4-5 month period before grad school... maybe I could hook up with some sort of sustainable development program...? help out? observe? get some experience? continue learning mandarin! grins And then grad school... most likely to study the countless afore mentioned 'sustainable development'. So, now that I have my life all planned out... ha!
I welcome God to come change my plans as he sees fit. After all, he knows me better than I know myself! I'd much rather be following his plans for me than my plans for me. I love that my Lord knows everything I know - or think I know - and everything I don't know, and everything I will never know. In all my insecurity, he is my security.
11.11.2004
something i'd like to learn more about
the relationship between decentralized management and decision-making in democratic-type development and success of that development vs. centralized management and decision-making in collective-type development... the former is usually successful, the latter is usually unsuccessful... a socialist/private mixed economy...
11.10.2004
senior quotes
"You are as young as your dreams and as old as your cynicism." - Tony Campolo
"Wherever I go, there I am." - Dr. Pollock
"Wherever I go, there I am." - Dr. Pollock
11.09.2004
peace...
God's peace is amazing...
Peace in the midst of uncertainty
turmoil
fear
confusion
It's a peace that is
not because there is peace around me, or even inside me
But a peace that transcends these
maybe even permeates them
A peace that, considering all things rational, should not exist
but does
Is there really such a thing as inner
or outer
peace?
Is God's peace greater
than inner and outer
does it transcend these dichotomies?
it would seem so...
As soon as I try to grab hold of a definite meaning, explanation of this peace
like sand it sifts through my fingers
it cannot be grasped
explained defined
held contained
It seems to me that one simply has a realization that it is present
that He is present
with you
in your confusion, frustration, distress, frenzy
even in your disquiet and restlessness
i want to cry
release my pain
shed my burden
have Him peel the dragon skin away
the peace that i have written of is still there
but seems far off
i know it is there
not because i feel it
but because Christ will never take it away
"I will never leave you nor forsake you."
so i shall hold him at his word
the Word
and pray that i can know that peace more profoundly
Peace in the midst of uncertainty
turmoil
fear
confusion
It's a peace that is
not because there is peace around me, or even inside me
But a peace that transcends these
maybe even permeates them
A peace that, considering all things rational, should not exist
but does
Is there really such a thing as inner
or outer
peace?
Is God's peace greater
than inner and outer
does it transcend these dichotomies?
it would seem so...
As soon as I try to grab hold of a definite meaning, explanation of this peace
like sand it sifts through my fingers
it cannot be grasped
explained defined
held contained
It seems to me that one simply has a realization that it is present
that He is present
with you
in your confusion, frustration, distress, frenzy
even in your disquiet and restlessness
i want to cry
release my pain
shed my burden
have Him peel the dragon skin away
the peace that i have written of is still there
but seems far off
i know it is there
not because i feel it
but because Christ will never take it away
"I will never leave you nor forsake you."
so i shall hold him at his word
the Word
and pray that i can know that peace more profoundly
winter onset
Last night as I was working in the campus store, a girl walked out grumbling because she had to "go back out where the snow was." She stated it with such scorn. My eyes followed her back out of the store; I was in disbelief. How could someone be in contempt of something so beautiful? Was taking joy in this part of God's creation so unbearable? I can understand having an aversion to cold... it might make someone feel like they're going to die or turn into a popsicle or something... it makes me feel more alive - invisible ice crystals bighting my cheeks... frigid air stripping my esophagus of all it's warmth as it makes its way to my lungs... snow and frost compressing and crunching under my feet... It's stunning! Walking to campus this morning, as I observed nature dusted by yesterday's snow, I looked down and noticed that all the fur needles and leaved were etched in frost - miniature crystal encasements. There was one maple leaf in particular, who's veins had been etched as well. It looked as if they had been infused with mercury.
...So for all of you hating the winter onset right now... open your eyes and take another look...
...So for all of you hating the winter onset right now... open your eyes and take another look...
11.08.2004
love and hate the world
"Can an ordinary [man] hate [this world] enough to change it, and yet love it enough to think it worth changing?... Is he enough of a pagan to die for the world, and enough of a Christian to die to it? - G.K. Chesterton
11.07.2004
right eye, left eye...
"I'm with Dr. Perkins. As surely as the individual is shaped by society, so the individual shapes society. It is within our power and our mandate as Christians to make institutional changes. To make the economic, social and political situations in our world just. To heed Cheryl Winter's reminder: justicia means both justice and righteousness in Spanish, and the entire Bible reads differently when the just man lives by faith.
And, being a good postmodernist, I'm also with Dr. Walters. The individual cannot change society without first being changed by God through the long, experiential, mystical process of spiritual formation. And the individual is responsible before God, in some strange way, for his or her actions relative to the social conditions and understanding in which he or she exists." Read the rest of this blog of a "ranting" friend: 11/5, "another blog of mine": link. He doesn't seem to think so, but it's really quite incredible...
I'm always amazed and humbled at the way in which people in my life are able to put to words ideas, beliefs, convictions, passions that seem to remain trapped in my heart and mind... it seems so effortless on their part, though I'm sure it's not. I am incredibly appreciative of this ability... at times it's awing to me. It seems that no matter how hard I try to express myself, I can never voice it in a way that I'm content with. Hindsight always tells me I should have said it a different way, one better able to be understood; I should have said more, said less... said something. Part of me is lazy and doesn't want to take the time that I know I would have to invest in putting these beliefs, visions, impressions, perceptions, reflections into words. It's much easier just to leave them. Yet there is also that vocal counterpart in me that resists this type of self-repression, that clamors to be expressed, to be known, to be put into words. They do break out. grins Often times by the time they do, a waterfall of words, ideas clamoring to be expressed spills, gushes forth - a waterfall of reflections, jumbled, tossled, rolled, chaotic, unruly, and unarticulate. Sometimes I find myself having so much to say that I feel so overwhelmed that in the end I don't say anything at all. I'll start, and stop, and make motions with my hands, utter some mono-syllabic sound that I hope will be interpreted in the way that I want it to be... frustrated because I figure that by the time I do figure out what it is I'm trying to say, conversation will have moved on, whoever will be disinterested, whoever I'm arguing with will have talked circles around me (if we're arguing about something) and judge me as being incompetent and without argument. Not the case. I do. Expressing myself doesn't come as fluidly as it does with other people. I may be a little bungling, but I'm not inept; I'm not without an opinion, without thought... just without the words... sometimes. Michelle's words come to mind... her's in regards to faith... mine, to verbalization. Sometimes, when you can't seem to find faith inside yourself (not faith in yourself), it's ok to lean on the faith of your friends. So. Sometimes, when you can't find words inside to express yourself, it's ok to lean on your friends for the words, the means of communicating yourself.
I hope this all makes sense. I'm not trying to cop out. I suppose in all, it's an incredible blessing to have friends that can express something that is on your own heart and mind... To realize, or rather, be reaffirmed that you're not the only one out there with these thoughts and ideas and struggles. You're not the only one grappling with questions and perplexing and sometimes polar issues. So, thanks to these friends. They are few and wonderful, and I'm incredibly blessed by and because of them.
This blog went in a completely different direction than I intended it to go when I began. Ha! Oh well. Sorry to all of you who may feel misled by what I started out with to what I ended up with. Actually, no apologies. The trail less-traveled can be just as exciting as the one well-travelled - not any better, not any worse, just different (grins, do I detect some postmodernism in those words?).
And, being a good postmodernist, I'm also with Dr. Walters. The individual cannot change society without first being changed by God through the long, experiential, mystical process of spiritual formation. And the individual is responsible before God, in some strange way, for his or her actions relative to the social conditions and understanding in which he or she exists." Read the rest of this blog of a "ranting" friend: 11/5, "another blog of mine": link. He doesn't seem to think so, but it's really quite incredible...
I'm always amazed and humbled at the way in which people in my life are able to put to words ideas, beliefs, convictions, passions that seem to remain trapped in my heart and mind... it seems so effortless on their part, though I'm sure it's not. I am incredibly appreciative of this ability... at times it's awing to me. It seems that no matter how hard I try to express myself, I can never voice it in a way that I'm content with. Hindsight always tells me I should have said it a different way, one better able to be understood; I should have said more, said less... said something. Part of me is lazy and doesn't want to take the time that I know I would have to invest in putting these beliefs, visions, impressions, perceptions, reflections into words. It's much easier just to leave them. Yet there is also that vocal counterpart in me that resists this type of self-repression, that clamors to be expressed, to be known, to be put into words. They do break out. grins Often times by the time they do, a waterfall of words, ideas clamoring to be expressed spills, gushes forth - a waterfall of reflections, jumbled, tossled, rolled, chaotic, unruly, and unarticulate. Sometimes I find myself having so much to say that I feel so overwhelmed that in the end I don't say anything at all. I'll start, and stop, and make motions with my hands, utter some mono-syllabic sound that I hope will be interpreted in the way that I want it to be... frustrated because I figure that by the time I do figure out what it is I'm trying to say, conversation will have moved on, whoever will be disinterested, whoever I'm arguing with will have talked circles around me (if we're arguing about something) and judge me as being incompetent and without argument. Not the case. I do. Expressing myself doesn't come as fluidly as it does with other people. I may be a little bungling, but I'm not inept; I'm not without an opinion, without thought... just without the words... sometimes. Michelle's words come to mind... her's in regards to faith... mine, to verbalization. Sometimes, when you can't seem to find faith inside yourself (not faith in yourself), it's ok to lean on the faith of your friends. So. Sometimes, when you can't find words inside to express yourself, it's ok to lean on your friends for the words, the means of communicating yourself.
I hope this all makes sense. I'm not trying to cop out. I suppose in all, it's an incredible blessing to have friends that can express something that is on your own heart and mind... To realize, or rather, be reaffirmed that you're not the only one out there with these thoughts and ideas and struggles. You're not the only one grappling with questions and perplexing and sometimes polar issues. So, thanks to these friends. They are few and wonderful, and I'm incredibly blessed by and because of them.
This blog went in a completely different direction than I intended it to go when I began. Ha! Oh well. Sorry to all of you who may feel misled by what I started out with to what I ended up with. Actually, no apologies. The trail less-traveled can be just as exciting as the one well-travelled - not any better, not any worse, just different (grins, do I detect some postmodernism in those words?).
11.04.2004
a letter to a friend...
Krisonda... aka Geoff,
I've recently had a somewhat small, but very significant and shaping and revealing revelation. Your friendship is the only one that has lasted from my "high school experience." Why? Aside from our obvious tie as sisters in Christ and being the amazing girl that you are, I believe it is because we have been real with each other. It has taken me nearly 3 years, and having some incredible friends at Houghton, to realize that you were the only one of my friends who knew the real Rachel. You knew my faults and loved me, you listened to my mistakes and comforted, prayed and encouraged me. You wanted the real me and wouldn't settle for less. You knew I wasn't perfect (honestly, my other friends from school essentially blew me off if ever I voiced my difficulties. Mine were never as bad as theirs, so they didn't count. They pretty much laughed at me... Rachel? Problems? Struggles? Yeah right.). And I knew you weren't perfect. And I loved you - not inspite of your imperfections, but because of them. I loved you (the real you) because you loved the real me. You showed me what real friendship was all about, and this not through descriptions, but actions. You did what I thought had not been possible... in revealing my ignorance, weaknesses, jealousies, insanities, and whatever else, you allowed me to be a real person, a real Christian person - one who didn't have it all together, like so often our churches say we should, and despite all these horrible things you knew about me - that I was as big a screw up as the next person - you loved this broken girl... Thank you... for emulating Christ's love to me... thank you for being our Lord, Jesus to me. I know the thanks belongs to Him, because it is He who has worked through you according to his good purpose... Thank Him. :) Well, by now you're probably in tears and if this was ink, it would probably be all smeared and running... kind of like mascara... grins! I have a way of doing that to you, huh? All that to say I love you... and thank you for loving me... showing me what a real friend is... and actively demonstrating Christ's love for me when I needed it most.
Love Always, BOABF,
Mutt
I've recently had a somewhat small, but very significant and shaping and revealing revelation. Your friendship is the only one that has lasted from my "high school experience." Why? Aside from our obvious tie as sisters in Christ and being the amazing girl that you are, I believe it is because we have been real with each other. It has taken me nearly 3 years, and having some incredible friends at Houghton, to realize that you were the only one of my friends who knew the real Rachel. You knew my faults and loved me, you listened to my mistakes and comforted, prayed and encouraged me. You wanted the real me and wouldn't settle for less. You knew I wasn't perfect (honestly, my other friends from school essentially blew me off if ever I voiced my difficulties. Mine were never as bad as theirs, so they didn't count. They pretty much laughed at me... Rachel? Problems? Struggles? Yeah right.). And I knew you weren't perfect. And I loved you - not inspite of your imperfections, but because of them. I loved you (the real you) because you loved the real me. You showed me what real friendship was all about, and this not through descriptions, but actions. You did what I thought had not been possible... in revealing my ignorance, weaknesses, jealousies, insanities, and whatever else, you allowed me to be a real person, a real Christian person - one who didn't have it all together, like so often our churches say we should, and despite all these horrible things you knew about me - that I was as big a screw up as the next person - you loved this broken girl... Thank you... for emulating Christ's love to me... thank you for being our Lord, Jesus to me. I know the thanks belongs to Him, because it is He who has worked through you according to his good purpose... Thank Him. :) Well, by now you're probably in tears and if this was ink, it would probably be all smeared and running... kind of like mascara... grins! I have a way of doing that to you, huh? All that to say I love you... and thank you for loving me... showing me what a real friend is... and actively demonstrating Christ's love for me when I needed it most.
Love Always, BOABF,
Mutt
in retrospect...
Studying different cultures can teach us many things, not only about the culture that we are studying, but about ourselves as well. It show us how much we have changed from where we started out in our journey in studying other peoples to where are at present. Last night I was talking about different cultures and languages with a friend of mine from high school. He said that he felt that the United States was right in spreading its culture, capitalism, and language around the world, and he didn’t see the need to study another culture or learn another people’s language. After our conversation was over, I was immediately incredulous – how could he really believe the things he communicated with me? But then I questioned myself – what would I have said if I had not had the experiences that Houghton has enabled me to have with classes, professors and intercultural experiences. How close would my beliefs be to his? And so now it is in light of that conversation and in retrospect that I will come to other cultures, languages, peoples, to discover with clearer eyes a small fraction of who these people are.
questions that seem unanswerable give us room for faith...
"It would be folly to say that faith's sphere is where one sees nothing. Rather, its sphere is where one sees a great deal, so terribly much that one involuntarily closes one's eyes, because the sight is unendurable. But faith does not believe because it closes its eyes. Rather, faith means to hold and trust, with eyes that see, to what one does not see; to hope against hope, to believe against experience." - Gerhard Ebeling, The Nature of Faith (A Leopard Tamed)
Faith enables us "to believe in the God who has taken to Himself the whole responsibility for the ultimate answers." - Elisabeth Elliot, ALT
Faith enables us "to believe in the God who has taken to Himself the whole responsibility for the ultimate answers." - Elisabeth Elliot, ALT
11.02.2004
what i can get done on two hours of sleep...
nothing. i have looked at my computer screen blankly, read several paragraphs of several different articles about failed rural development programs in China and retained not a blessed word of it, checked out books at the library - this i did succeed at. not a difficult task. looked at my computer screen blankly. fallen into great pools of distressful thoughts about circumstances and situations completely beyond my control... most likely where they should be - out of my control, that is. if they were in my control i would probably act in self interest - yes, selfishly - and not in the interest of the other(s) involved. good thing i'm not in control, eh? have i kicked the dead horse enough times? running on two hours of sleep does not so pleasant things to my thought processes... it screws around with them, playing dirty tricks with my mostly rational (at least I think) mind (it's probably more irrational than rational, really), throwing it into spiraling conduits, alternating misery and joy. why do i torture myself like this?? go to bed, girl!
Must be the air... or...?
Being in another country, immersed in another culture, speaking another language, learning another reality... just does something to you... me. It enlivens me.
11.01.2004
The Fate of Michelle's Friend's Teddy Bear
Once upon a time, Michelle's friend got married and brought her teddy bear with her on her honeymoon. Her husband locked the teddy bear in the closet. The couple lived happily ever after. The End. (Moral of the story: don't bring your teddy bear on your honeymoon. Your husband doesn't want to share you.)
10.26.2004
rafiki zangu... amigos mios... my friends...
Right at this moment i am sitting in the ISA lounge with 4 of my very good friends... Tegani, Kat, Hiram, and Becca... we are talking about how to pronounce shite so that it doesn't count; why men shouldn't bite women until their married; thinking for 5 minutes before opening your mouth; how God works in people's lives to get them married; "if my dog weren't already dead, I'd go home and kick him" (quoted by Tegan from Brittain); Tegan's many many and glorious accents; born linguists; why there isn't any Spanish influence in the Middle East and Africa; Kat has the Hero song stuck in her head and Hiram is wondering when Kat is going to start talking about God; why sleep is a beautiful thing... Tegan and Beccs left. :( They're going to sleep. :) I'm not going to sleep for a while yet. :0 fraa! Would it be bad if I skipped Swahili tomorrow morning?
It's OK if you're devotions aren't constant... sometimes you need to lean on the faith of your friends... and that's OK. Stop appearing to be perfect in your walk. The church is a group of people who know they are sinners... Friends are beautiful beautiful things... not things, people... gifts... blessings... incredible incredible blessings
Our house is so blessed by our friendships... we have such a strong and comfortable bond. The Lord will never cease to move, unsettle, amaze me.
Dan just came in. Another good friend!
I need concentrate on Cuba now. Tis going to be a late night... grins
It's OK if you're devotions aren't constant... sometimes you need to lean on the faith of your friends... and that's OK. Stop appearing to be perfect in your walk. The church is a group of people who know they are sinners... Friends are beautiful beautiful things... not things, people... gifts... blessings... incredible incredible blessings
Our house is so blessed by our friendships... we have such a strong and comfortable bond. The Lord will never cease to move, unsettle, amaze me.
Dan just came in. Another good friend!
I need concentrate on Cuba now. Tis going to be a late night... grins
grace...
Lord, thank you for my core friends, for brothers and sisters in Christ who are as passionate about serving you (as you would have them serve), as you have made me passionate about serving you. Thank you for peace in the midst of trial and stress, frustration and uncertainty. I really am nervous about my Senior Sem presentation. Quiet my heart before you, and keep reminding me that you have something you want to say; it's not my agenda, not my words, not my wisdom. Please grant me discernment and wisdom as I am working out all the twists and tangles of this assignment. May I be a mhekima and not a punda. grins Please, help me to recognize your innumberable blessings and immeasurable grace. Please, give me grace and help others to be gracious with me, and help me to extend your grace to others. Amen.
10.07.2004
whet your appetite?
"The Bible is not a book for the faint of heart - it is a book full of all the greed and glory and violence and tenderness and sex and betrayal that fits mankind. It is not a collection of pretty little anecdotes mouthed by pious little church mice - it does not so much nibble at our shoe leather as it cuts to the heart and splits the marrow from the bone. It does not give us answers fitted to our small-minded questions, but truth that goes beyond what we even ask to know." ~ Rich Mullins
10.06.2004
a mesh of words of wisdom from people who have lived longer than i
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
~ Helen Keller
“What we learn from experience depends on the kind of philosophy we bring to experience.”
~ C.S. Lewis
“There comes the baffling call of God in our lives also. The call of God can never be stated explicitly; it is implicit. The call of God is like the call of the sea, no one hears it but the one who has the nature of the sea in him. It cannot be stated definitely what the call of God it to, because his call is to be in comradeship with himself for his own purposes, and the test is to believe that God knows what he is after.”
~ Oswald Chambers
James 3:13-18
"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or hide the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."
When Christ spoke, he not only spoke to his disciples, the crowds, the Pharisees, poor and sinners, women and the sick, but seeing all of us in their faces, spoke to all of us. ...Costa Rica, Spiritual Journey...
From Orthodoxy by G.K. Chesterton, about mysticism and reason...
"... But that transcendentalism by which all men live has primarily much the position of the sun in the sky. We are conscious of it as of a kind of splendid confusion; it is something both shining and shapeless, at once a blaze and a blur. But the circle of the moon is as clear and unmistakable, as recurrent and inevitable, as the circle of Euclid on a blackboard. For the moon is utterly reasonable; and the moon is the mother of lunatics and has given them all her name."
more Chesterton...
"... It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. The repetition in Nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical encore..."
"... I had always believed that the world involved magic: now I thought that perhaps it involved a magician. And this pointed a profound emotion always present and sub-concious; that this world of ours has some purpose; and if there is a purpose, there is a person. I had always felt life first as a story: and if there is a story there is a story-teller..."
Psalm 51:10-12, 17 ; 55:22; 56:4; 68:19
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrire heart, O God, you will not despise.
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.
~ Helen Keller
“What we learn from experience depends on the kind of philosophy we bring to experience.”
~ C.S. Lewis
“There comes the baffling call of God in our lives also. The call of God can never be stated explicitly; it is implicit. The call of God is like the call of the sea, no one hears it but the one who has the nature of the sea in him. It cannot be stated definitely what the call of God it to, because his call is to be in comradeship with himself for his own purposes, and the test is to believe that God knows what he is after.”
~ Oswald Chambers
James 3:13-18
"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or hide the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."
When Christ spoke, he not only spoke to his disciples, the crowds, the Pharisees, poor and sinners, women and the sick, but seeing all of us in their faces, spoke to all of us. ...Costa Rica, Spiritual Journey...
From Orthodoxy by G.K. Chesterton, about mysticism and reason...
"... But that transcendentalism by which all men live has primarily much the position of the sun in the sky. We are conscious of it as of a kind of splendid confusion; it is something both shining and shapeless, at once a blaze and a blur. But the circle of the moon is as clear and unmistakable, as recurrent and inevitable, as the circle of Euclid on a blackboard. For the moon is utterly reasonable; and the moon is the mother of lunatics and has given them all her name."
more Chesterton...
"... It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. The repetition in Nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical encore..."
"... I had always believed that the world involved magic: now I thought that perhaps it involved a magician. And this pointed a profound emotion always present and sub-concious; that this world of ours has some purpose; and if there is a purpose, there is a person. I had always felt life first as a story: and if there is a story there is a story-teller..."
Psalm 51:10-12, 17 ; 55:22; 56:4; 68:19
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrire heart, O God, you will not despise.
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.
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